images for electronic cigarette vaporizer uk e cigarette safe girly e cigarette cases images for e cigarette oil suppliers vapour liquid equilibrium images for ego electronic cigarette liquid flavors images for vaporizer e cig weed e cigarette wholesale distributors china top e cigarette brands electronic cigarettes safety 2012 ecig forum health walmart electronic cigarette e cigarette cancer the best e cig tank system best e cig battery free e cigs coupon electronic cigarette to quit smoking reviews vape e cig are e cigs and vapes the same wholesale e cigarette suppliers usa what is in electronic cigarettes safe v2 e cigarette best cigarette flavored e liquid e liquid nicotine wholesale benefits of e cigarettes e liquid recipe clone dangers of electronic cigarettes exploding disposable flavored electronic cigarettes no nicotine best e cigs 2015 newport cigarettes price images for e cigaret images for vape cigarette rechargeable electronic cigarette brands duty free cigarettes prices menorca square e cigarette reviews e cigarette manufacturers singapore top electronic cigarettes uk cigarette outlet near me latest e cigs uk which one best e cigarette lobby coupon e cigarettes australia nicotine free e cig safest e cigarette uk kik electronic cigarette reviews disposable electronic hookah pen e cigarette manufacturers china images for ego electronic cigarette starter kit buy e cig mods cheap cigarettes by state 2014 free trial e cigarette disposable electronic cigarette wikipedia e cigarettes toronto ban uk buy e cigs online e cigarettes cheaper images for fifty one electronic cigarettes e cigarette starter kit e liquid for sale best e cig on the market 2012 e cig and vape e cigarette companies on the stock market best electronic cigarettes reviews uk vapour e cigarettes uk duty free cigarettes online usa images for e cig cartridges e liquid e cigarette best e cigarette to buy in stores images for disposable cigarette e cigarette forums uk images for e cigarette brands 2012 e smoke liquid e cigarettes kits e cigarette liquid with nicotine images for electronic cigarette vaporizer e cigarette regulation fda manufacturer ego electronic cigarette pictures of ecigs electronic cigarettes for sale online electronic cigarettes uk review electronic cigarette starter kit walmart electronic shisha pen vision electronic cigarette battery life side effects of menthol cigarettes images for ecig vapor e cigarette risks images for vaporizer e cigarettes best e cig mods electronic cigarette health risks 2015 vype e cigarette images for e cigarette cartomizers 510 refillable electronic cigarette quality e cigarette e cig mods for sale uk kik e cigarettes black e cigarette cigarette e-cig m6 marijuana e cigarette vaporizer images for black e cigarette images for electronic cigarette vapourlites rechargeable images for green smoke e cigarette where to buy is e cigarette safe for pregnancy direct e cig reviews images for hookah e cigarette side effects cigarette box dimensions mm where can i buy electronic cigarettes without nicotine images for electronic cigarette no nicotine review images for disposable electronic cigarettes uk electronic cigarette side effects in urdu e health cigarette supplier top electronic cigarettes 2012 uk images for electronic cigarette ingredients list how much do electronic cigarettes cost at walmart cheap flavored disposable electronic cigarette how to put weed in an e cigarette how does an e cigarette work images for hookah cigarette liquid for e cigarette cheap e cigarette liquid e cigarette for sale online cheap dangers of electronic cigarettes uk electronic cigarette facts sheets smoking e cig e cig buy uk e cigarette starter kits uk e cigarette pensacola top 10 e cigs 2015 green smoke e cigarette e cigarette safety 2012 e cigarette cartomizers what are the best e cigarettes uk e cigarettes harmful effects electronic cigarette on london underground the e cig shop huddersfield images for electronic cigarette sale which is the best e cigarette uk where can i buy an e cigarette in canada e-cigarettes may have short-term harmful effects on lung function electronic cigarette liquids rechargeable cigarette non nicotine electronic cigarette bad for you are e cigarettes dangerous to your health e cigarettes safety 2011 e health cigarette cartridges ego e cig batteries best e liquid recipes images for vape liquid flavors malaysia e cigarette mods best e cig starter kit e cigarettes wholesale vapor cigarettes usa cheapest e cigarette uk images for rechargeable e cigs last forever e cigarettes reviews ratings can you smoke electronic cigarettes anywhere 0 nicotine e cigarette uk electronic cigarette research studies e cigarettes cheapest are e cigs and vapes the same thing electronic cigarette studies whats the best electronic cigarette to buy wholesale cigarette tobacco suppliers images for e cigarette liquid refill images for fifty one electronic cigarette cartridges images for e cig mods images for e cig vape best ecig mod for clouds shisha electronic cigarette safe best ecig e liquids uk cheap smoke shop online wholesale e cigarette commercial guy e cigarette liquid ingredients truth about e cigarettes 2015 images for e cigarette vapour content e cig starter kits electronic cigarettes dangers of electronic cigarettes 2012 e cigarette best disposable e cigarette e cigarette companies best e cig vaporizer 2015 uk vaping liquid strength buy e cig uk e cigarette stores best e cigs 2015 uk how much do e cigarettes cost at walmart blu e cigarette suppliers what is in electronic cigarettes vapor images for njoy disposable electronic cigarette best vape pen for flowers images for mods e cigarette images for premium electronic cigarettes coupon code the best electronic cigarette to quit smoking e cigarette side effects 2015 best rated e cigarette uk how to smoke e cig without battery images for e liquid electronic cigarette best ecig mod uk images for hookah electronic cigarette nicotine free images for rechargeable e cigs uk electronic hookah coal vaping liquid vape electronic cigarette e cig smoke vaporizer 420 smoke shop online images for kik sticks electronic cigarettes volcano e cigarette images for electronic cigarettes shops uk electronic ceramic hookah shisha bowl review uk electronic cigarette regulation e cigarette no nicotine liquid images for e liquid cigarettes reviews where to buy electronic cigarette e-cigarette dangers vape kits online e cig box mods uk e cigarette health risks no nicotine e cigarettes brands uk images for e cig for sale cheap images for e liquid flavors images for ospire e cig images for e cig vapes shops that sell electronic cigarettes in london ecig vapor images for liquid electronic cigarettes buy e cigarette s images for ego vapor cigarette accessories the best e cigs 2015 where to buy e cigarettes locally e cig retailers london where can i buy an e cigarette locally images for e cig box mods disposable electronic cigarette walgreens where to buy e cigarettes in london buy e cigarettes online canada images for ecigarette images for e cigarette disposable flavored e cigarette canada health risks images for e cigarette atomizer lifespan e cigarettes harmful e cigs uk e cigarette dangers best e liquid europe e cigarettes brands buy electronic cigarette amazon how safe are e cigarettes abc news electronic cigarette canada online liquid for electronic cigarettes buy online e cig suppliers smoking e cigs inside liquid cigarette review electronic hookah suppliers images for e cigarette vapestick vape liquid flavors malaysia e cigarette reviews digital cigarette coupons images for liquid e cigarette recipe buy electronic cigarette india online e smoking liquid is there any tobacco in electronic cigarettes electronic hookah side effects liquid e cigarettes health e cigarette cartridge e cigarette companies to invest in cheap e cigarette starter kit vapour cigs images for premium e liquids uk buy e cig under 18 buy e cigarette uk e liquids for e cigarettes uk vape e cigs for sale best disposable e cigarettes 2015 e cigarette south africa price vapour cigarette uk reviews online e cigarette stores images for vype e cigarettes e liquid calculator download e liquid online calculator recipe how much are e cigarettes images for vaping e liquid ingredients images for e cigarette atomizer life span e go t electronic cigarette images for newport cigarettes types free e cigarette nhs best vape liquid brands best e cigarette liquid uk electronic cigarette store locator electric cigarettes are they safe e smoke shop are e cigs healthy yahoo buy e cig online ireland e cigarette buy online e cigarette warnings 2013 e vapour cigarettes online e cigarette stores india e cigarette liquid uk supply electronic cigarette buyers best vaporizer e cig uk e liquid diy recipes images for electronics cigarette images for electronic cigarettes liquid refill e cigarette reviews uk 2012 images for electronic vapour cigarette uk is it safe to buy cigarettes online electronic cigarette vapour electronic shisha pen health vaporizer cigarettes health risks electronic hookah cigarette no nicotine electronic cigarette without nicotine australia cigarette shop near me location free e cigarette starter kit free shipping uk vape e liquid flavors premium electronic cigarettes e cigarettes for sale online electronic cigarette wholesale supplier china vivid electronic cigarette battery the best e cigarette uk alfreton e cigarette harmful pregnancy 510 e cig rechargeable e cigarette non nicotine electronic cigarettes electronic cigarette online shopping pakistan best electric cigarette rolling machine forum e cig smoke shop ego electronic cigarette wholesale images for disposable electronic cigarette brands images for ecigarettes cigarette electronic price e cigarette ingredients liquid for e cigarette uk e liquid diy uk which e cigarette is the best australia health e cigarette review from dx harmful chemicals in cigarettes and their effects e cigarette flavors for sale e liquid online calculator e cigarette company list best e cig vaporizer premium e cig juice uk e liquid calculator app top 10 e cigarettes e cigarette liquid refill ebay electronic hookah wiki best e cig starter kit 2015 uk cheapest electronic cigarettes online e liquid cigarettes e-cigarette safety of electric cigarettes e cigarette supplies wholesale uk electronic cigarette electric cigarette review images for innokin e cig battery best e cig liquid reviews images for electronic cigarette flavors list e cigarette health risks fda electronic cigarette buying guide vapour smoking risks are there fake cigarettes for movies buy e cigarette uk stores e cigarette canada images for disposable electronic cigarette e cigarettes vaping electronic ciggarette e cigarette pens images for smok electronic cigarettes images for girly e cigarette cases uk images for electronic cigarette sale in malaysia e health cigarette review images for kanger e cig company 10 motives rechargeable electronic cigarette review reviews on best e cigarettes electronic cigarette vape images for e cigarette liquid refill bottle marijuana e cigarette juice e cigarette no nicotine safe images for electronic hookah coal buy e cigarette online images for electronic cigarettes for sale e cigarette liquid nicotine free is e cigarette harmful to others images for e cigarette batteries interchangeable electric cigarette uk e liquids uk wholesale images for electronic cigarettes shop uk best ecig mod box e liquid cigarettes safe nicotine free e cig juice e cig liquids amazon what are electronic cigarettes called side effects of e cigarettes 2015 e-cigarette liquid images for how e cigarettes work uk free electronic cigarettes images for cigarettes electronic buy electronic cigarette online substitute cigarette electronic images for ego e cigarette top electronic cigarette brands electronic shisha amazon electronic cigarettes stores near me liquid nicotine for e cigs uk health risks of e cigarettes 2015 images for e electronic cigarette volcano ecig menthol electronic cigarette starter kit electronic cigarette liquid wholesale images for electronic cigarette prices australia where to buy electronic cigarette uk fresh choice electric cigarette machine amazon electronic cigarette starter kit e cigarette wikihow cheap e cig juice does electronic cigarette cause cancer electronic cigarette refills cartridges low nicotine cigarette commercial hole in neck e liquid canada nicotine are e cigarettes dangerous to others where can i buy electronic cigarettes in stores images for e cigarette vaping liquid how to smoke an e cigarette best electronic cigarette liquid where can i buy the electronic cigarette in stores the best e cigarette on the market in canada how many mg of nicotine in a menthol cigarette images for rechargeable electronic cigarette electronic cigarette where to buy buy e cigarette uk shop images for liquid e cig starter kits images for flavored disposable electronic cigarettes e cigarettes liquid flavors is e cigarette harmful electronic cigarette starter kit best e cig mods for sale the best electronic cigarettes on the market images for cigarette box dimensions cm additive free cigarettes e cigarette brands 2012 images for hookah e cigarette amazon images for electronic cigarette prices in philippines kik e liquids electronic cigarette review images for electronic vapor cigarettes vapour room e liquid best ego vape pen electronic e cigs e cigarette lobby legit images for vaporizer e cig where can i buy e cigarettes best vape kits for clouds uk electronic cigarette review liquid nicotine wholesale coupon code best e cig starter kit 2015 images for electronic cigarettes for sale ebay e cig battery mods smoke free cigarette best e cigarette vaporizer dangers of e cigs vs cigarettes buy volcano e cig e cig best mods e liquid reviews forum vape store locator app the truth about e cigarettes itv buy e liquid online india water vapour cigarettes images for electronic cigarette flavors uk are e cigarettes harmful to your health e-cigarettes fda vape electronic cigarette south africa images for green smoke e cigarette coupon code top electronic cigarette brands uk ego t electronic cigarette starter kit uk vogue menthol cigarettes uk images for e cig brands list images for e cigarette refills liquid free electronic cigarette e cigarettes buy online are e cigarettes bad for you jr cigarette outlet best e cigarette brands uk vaporizer e cig images for e cig starter packs fresh choice electric cigarette rolling machine for sale buy electronic cigarette online australia e cigarette kits uk electronic cigarette express kit inno images for e cigs liquid flavors electronic cigarette liquid suppliers images for e health cigarette cartridges australia how safe are e cigarettes 2015 best disposable electronic cigarette australia where to buy electronic cigarettes locally fda e-cigarettes images for e cigarette liquid flavors no nicotine e cigarette no nicotine amazon best electronic cigarette brands for 2015 marijuana electronic cigarette liquid best e cigarette mods 2013viagra rezeptfrei auf rechnung bestellen best e cig vaporizer 2015 what stores sell electronic cigarettes images for v2 electronic cigarettes australia ego e cig instructions

Surrendering to Grief

On February 4, 2009 I woke up to find that my husband had died in his sleep from an undetected heart condition. He was 49 years old. I was 39. It was the biggest shock of my life. The first two hours were a blur of emotion, pain, fear, shock and denial. The two and a half years since have been a lesson in living life much more openly, deeply and presently.

In the immediate aftermath of Mark’s death, I discovered I had two choices. I could either surrender to what had happened or choose to fight the reality of it all.Initially, I fought the reality, and life was hard. I felt alone, afraid, hurt, angry and even guilty. With Mark gone, I was instantly and solely in charge of our home, cars, finances and children. I thought ‘Til death do us part?’ Well, what if I wasn’t ready? I felt abandoned and could not overcome the thought that Mark was supposed to be there with me to help me take care of everything. Deep down I knew he couldn’t be there, but accepting that meant accepting the fact that he really was gone. And, I wasn’t ready for that, so the battle continued.

A few weeks after Mark died a close friend said something to me that changed my perception. She said, “Jennifer, no matter what happens in the future, you will always have lost your husband. There is nothing you can do about that. For the rest of your life it will be a part of who you are. You don’t have to ever ‘get over it.’”

I realized with those words that I didn’t have to act any certain way. I didn’t have to get rid of my grief. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t. I was a widow and nothing would ever change that. Not even my deepest thought that it wasn’t true. This realization gave me the long-term view I needed in order to let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be “fixed.”

After I heard those words I began to surrender to all of my emotions, including grief. In these moments of surrender, there were glimmers of hope, love and life. For lack of a better way to explain it, angels took over and miracles began happening. Almost mysteriously, life began taking care of itself. The right person walked in the room at the right time, needed items appeared without even asking. It was as if the universe was saying, “Yes, this happened, and yes, it will all be OK. Because no matter how hard it seems, there is something right about this.”

Upon surrendering, I was able to acknowledge all of the people who appeared who wanted to help me with my kids, my home, my work — everything. And, more importantly, I learned how to let them help. I’d always thrived on handling everything on my own, but because of my new life I had to let go of that independence. It was impossible for me to handle everything Mark and I had handled together. I had to let people help me. I even had to ask for help. It was an entirely new concept. Like no other time before, I saw there were lots of people in my life who wanted to help, who even felt helpless if I didn’t let them help. So, I started to let them. In the process I became closer to them. I really felt their love and energy in my life.

After my world started to smooth out a bit from the huge turbulent waves of the first few months, I knew there was another step. I had to rely entirely on myself for one thing — taking care of me. Nobody else could do that. So, each day I began to do something for me.

I quickly realized that it didn’t have to be anything big. I could make a cup of tea and breathe in the steam for a few minutes. Or, take a short walk around the block with my dog. Or, listen to music that made me happy. Or, go to a funny movie. These little “me” moments kept my spirit afloat at times — when the alternative was to drown.

Even now, after years have gone by and times still sneak up on me and grip my heart and gut like nothing else can, I breathe and remember to surrender and feel everything I’m feeling.

Sometimes, it’s just a glimpse of something that could have been, which leads to sadness in missing Mark. But I know that the sadness is simply a reminder that I’m human, alive and can love. And that reminder is a blessing that I will always cherish. 

Jennifer Hawkins is a highly successful real estate investor. In 1988, she earned a spot as a swimmer at the Olympic Trials. She married Mark in 2001 and started her family. She lives in Austin, Texas with her sons Connor and Brannon. For more information, visit

Editor’s Note: There are many groups in Houston serving the needs of widows during all the stages of grief. Please use Google to look for local organizations.

Join Houston Woman Community
Join Our E-mail List