cipro 750 uses buy periactin your system faster lasix online shop buy amaryllis online viagra without seeing a doctor generic viagra usa cost of plavix do lipitor pills expire buying orlistat india tadalafilli cialis en espa?a online clonidine sale mg viagra viagra buy cheap imitrex new zealand phenergan 50 mg dosage propecia cost costco cialis apotheke buy clomid online 100mg the purple pharmacy website articulo 8 vardenafil 10mg us pharmacy doxycycline for sale online uk viagra online con visa electron dutasteride buying took clomid pill late buy zithromax z pack tetracycline powder for sale orlistat prescription cost buy levitra reviews actonel product monograph canada amitriptyline ohne rezept bestellen generic leitra how good esomeprazole price uk bactroban precio singulair us generic levaquin generic alternative compra vardenafil buy celebrex cream online safe source to buy cialis generic fexofenadine available prometrium online without prescription generic-cialis-soft-gel can i buy seroquel in mexico how to write a pres for predisione propecia for men to buy levothroid non perscription xanex buy clomid safely online where can i buy amoxicillin liquid viagra pour homme india lipitor pfizer wholesale generic cymbalta fda promethazine uk buy online cialis sale 40 pills for 99.00 lasix for cheap cheap prevacid online acyclovir canada pharmacy cheap levitra prescription apotik yang menjual cytotec purchase avodart tadapox low price canadian pharmacy accutan anti inflammatoire et viagra cheap propecia cost online viagra no synthroid 112 mcg price no rx purchase claritin d 24 hour lithium lowest price chart 2013 prigily finasteride 1 mg purchase buying cialis online legal eulexin next day delivery time ventolin hfa generic brand cymbalta 30 mg price prednisone dosage 5mg approved viagra store sildenafil brands in india zoloft and generalized anxiety disorder ketoconazole buy cheap buy antibiotics from canada discount lipitor canada desyrel tablet how can i get cleocin stay in your system viagra order clomiphene citrate 50mg for men accutane statistics lipitor 20 mg hinta doxycycline hyclate without food metformin 875 mg generique du viagra sans ordonnance nootropil next day delivery time cialis preise to buy flutamide online acyclovir cream cost drug diovan going generic price rogaine philippines how can i get plavix zantac flonase buying fastest viagra delivery clomid women cialis viab rohypnols dubai order sarafem generic aciclovir 200 mg laproff get actonel coupon buy qsymia online canada kamagra gold 100mg sildenafil citrate dapoxetine plus cialis prednisone 80 mg per day donepezil order online shallaki buy online himalaya oder proscar tablets online actonel for sale cheap viagra real cymbalta cost after insurance extra time tablets discount nizoral dandruff shampoo buy phenergan promethazine crestor orange pill extenze allegra 180 mg prescription doxycycline 100mg x 180 pills prednisone5mgvestibularnduritis ginseng cheapest price us buy cheap hyaluronic acid cialis cheap no prescription doxycycline shortage price clomid supplement for sale abilify get high how much skelaxin to get high buy zyban uk generic cymbalta france amoxil 625 wholesale generic fucidin jeuk buy cheap finasteride tablets promethazine pill zc02 yasmin price cyprus buy cialis no prescription uk levothyroxine without subscription discount effexor xr online augmentin 625mg tablets price in india flomax generic when available indiameds zetia pills allegra use in dogs buy clomid philippines how can i get aygestin does sildenafilo normon 50 mg generic drug name for synthroid azithromycin 250 mg for cats buy propecia trinidad levetiracetam 93 buy ginette 35 you gain weight get amoxicillin online where to buy zovirax valtrex generic buy online nizoral shampoo price in philippines lipitor online pharmacy best price celebrex 200 mg abilify injection buy buy generic buspar generic advair uk fucidin cream buy online overnight levitra generic xenical diet pills online lexapro cost target valtrex pills or acyclovir buy fluoxetine no prescription online clomid price south africa accutane canada health canada viagra seller that takes paypal generic valtrex online no prescription amlodipine norvasc 5mg generic celebrex us costco pharmacy online prices price ketoconazole canadianpharmacies where to buy arava dublin viagra otc usa abilify generic price liquid clomid for sale viagra paypal uk how much does nolvadex cost on the street viagra online echeck payment buy strattera generic cipro cost prescription viagra without non prescription ventolin what pills get you high list flomax 700 mg compresse a cosa serve order azithromycin red liquid cialis blue bottle how to get antibiotics on the weekend generic bupropion recall cipro pill size no prescription cialis mastercard tretinoin over the counter canada singulair montelukast tablets discount nolvadex uk pre order alli cheap tramadol online pharmacies achat slimex 15 mg buy viagrade with pilogy online price clomid india aciclovir tablets bp 400mg lady era pills imitrex off patent tamoxifen 10 mg for sale little purple pill nexium synthroid 0.075 mg co sex pills for women, canada vipps approved canadian pharmacies next day delivery brand viagra tricor sale usa buy cheap sominex online best generic viagra in uk global pharmacy canada coupon omeprazole order uk nexium esomeprazole tablets actonel zinc tamoxifen order online buy prevacid discount tetracycline online pharmacy phgh vs cialis lamictal uk doxycycline 100 mg once daily order zithromax azithromycin canada fluticasone 50 mcg spray accutane cheap to buy price fexofenadine 60 canada advair generic zovirax pills expiration date trazodone 25 mg insomnia ventolin online no prescription safe buy viagra online low walmart costco cost levitra phenergan tablets 10mg metformin brands uk medrol dose poison ivy phenergan generic cost ciprofloxacin 500 mg en espanol aciclovir tablets over counter uk order plavix vardenafil online amoxicillin over the counter equivalent best website for generic cialis reviews venda cytotec buy xenical brand apcalis uk consiglio nazionale commercialisti abilify retail cost furosemide uk brand name generic protonix iv acyclovir zovirax ru diflucan trying to get pregnant dutasteride soft gelatin capsules zoloft weight gain buy desyrel wholesale viagra pills cialis with dapoxetine trazodone discounts buying accutane online omeprazole 90 mg indian pharmacy paypal how can i get lady era quien buy online xenical singapore price topamax walmart generic accutane medication what is prednisone 10mg used for buy lithium ore paxil and sleeping pills lasix metabolism isotretinoin generic buy how long synthroid to get out of system acyclovir cost at walmart buy clomid mg avodart 0 5 mg kapsule zyprexa japan ventolin uk prescription buy tetracycline canada esomeprazole korea propecia pills uk metformin dosage 250 mg nexium dosage 80 mg ventolin cost without insurance economic alliance progress buy cheap pulmicort respules cialis drug prices metformin on line free 24 hr pharmacy near you how can i get prinivil does generic for augmentin xr plavix bruising feminine viagra what is femara 2.5 mg discount cialis generic buy lasix with american express nexium 400 mg tablet took viagra trazodone tablet identification buy viagra pills for men suhagraat ka tarika complete in video buying oral ampicillin prozac online cheap zithromax pills buy clomid safely online uk paypal furosemide 40 mg rasitol cost advair hfa xenical non perscription farmacia buy fexofenadine 120 how can i get penegra use canada pharmacy cialis paypal buy hczt delivered to house femara price in egypt lipitor sales history viagra dosage mg order ed pills price nizoral 2 amoxil 875 price buy tamoxifen australia trazodone to get off ambien generic celebrex usa isotretinoin buy no prescription vega 100 tablets use in urdu cost of wellbutrin sr without insurance cialis free delivery maxifort reviews alphagan actonel 200mg viagra dosage 100mg dapoxetine rxlist is acyclovir generic for valtrex soft tab viagra generic viagra dealers in canada generic viraga for sale price omeprazole philippines cipro can buy metformin buy no prescription lipitor recall canada glass does clomid cos pregnancy symptoms ampicillin for cheap www.canadian-pharmacy-24h 100mg viagra for sale nexium coupons 90 day drugs without prescriptions india online pharmacy malegra orlistat 200 mg levitra 3mg cipro tablet dosage flonase canadian price buying alendronate toradol cost canada cipro package insert overnight vpxl is femara a generic drug discount uroxatral generic purchase vermox generic nexium price minoxidil viagra-paypal-payment cialis pills uk ventolin canada zyprexa 7.5 mg lilly 4116 purchase ciprofloxacin online order lisinopril online gabapentin 900 mg daily buying ketoconazole tablets cialis coupon cvs topiramate 25 mg buy viagra low price hydrocodone no prescription needed can nolvadex be shipped into the us amoxicillin for cats online amlodipine cheap cost lasix furosemide genuine pfizer viagra 100mg viagra professional 100 mg generic generic allegra d 12 hour crestor 20 mg dosage dapoxetine purchase uk how to get clomid medicine levitra generico on line dapoxetine in india sun pharma vpxlherbalgenericdrugs lowest price on viagra generic drug aciphex news clomid 50 mg par jour alli 60mg 120 buy cheap retin a kenya diflucan once a month pill buy cheap promethazine yellow como comprar en ebay desde chile valtrex 1 gram cost fosamax use after 5 years buy pfizer viagra online with no prescription buy sildenafil citrate generic cymbalta without rx overnight augmentin lowest price at walmart astromenda estrace vaginal cream buy cheap malaria pills online no prescription acheter du viagra en ligne cialis online buy levitra lowest price in pakistan price of celebrex in india no prescription online pharmacy abilify without antidepressant buy motrin gotas can you take viagra through customs revatio uses craigslist usa obat prednisone tablet zithromax z pak generic happy shop sildenafil what does cialis do to men atarax chien petit trusted generic viagra reviews adhd pharmacy cheap nexium australia buy viagra in luton wholesale generic singulair have gluten amoxicillin oral suspension dosage kamagra amex generic lipitor update order viagra from usa plavix warfarin propecia generic 5mg buy diflucan antifungal cream tadalafilo nedir etodolac trazodone 150 deltasone price thyroid-mexican-pharmacy cheap xenical pills gabapentin 300mg capsules price simvastatin generic product allegra costco generic prezzo viagra originale in farmacia copegus next day delivery uk promethazine tablets 12.5 mg propranolol online uk (finasteride) tablets for sale order proventil generic loratadine rxlist lipitor 10 mg equivalent to simvastatin us abilify proscar 5mg canada celebrex 7767 cialas reduced price etodolac over the counter form actonel vouchers rogaine price in uk turkish pharmacies for viagra nexium cost cvs order generic nexium canadian pharmacy thulasi kovaipudur trazodone 400 mg usa online pharmacies viagra propecia going generic generic xenical erfahrungen buy cheap generic zithromax augmentin 1000 mg dosage buy medrol dose pack instructions cheap accutane 10 mg ketoconazole 30 order propecia 1mg abilify 2mg price rx levitra price-of-cialis-at-walmart desyrel trazodone india generic ventolin 100 mcg inhaler amoxil tablets used buy cephalosporin online fosamax 70 mg bijwerkingen claritin online shopping dapoxetine capsule online lexapro pharmacy amoxicillin without prescriptions uk low price medicine canada is secure tabs legit doxycycline 100mg tablet pic buy lexapro online pharmacy generic cialis professional 20 mg singulair prescription discount buy zovirax pills online abilify generic alternative proscar 5 mg wirkung estradiol 1 mg tablet order levaquin 500 mg keppra tablets ed drugs online from canada viagra super active in australia mail order for viagra tablets nexium 40 mg vaistai protonix 20 cypli pharmacy cialis canada where to buy kamagra jelly generic for ciprofloxacin

Surrendering to Grief

On February 4, 2009 I woke up to find that my husband had died in his sleep from an undetected heart condition. He was 49 years old. I was 39. It was the biggest shock of my life. The first two hours were a blur of emotion, pain, fear, shock and denial. The two and a half years since have been a lesson in living life much more openly, deeply and presently.

In the immediate aftermath of Mark’s death, I discovered I had two choices. I could either surrender to what had happened or choose to fight the reality of it all.Initially, I fought the reality, and life was hard. I felt alone, afraid, hurt, angry and even guilty. With Mark gone, I was instantly and solely in charge of our home, cars, finances and children. I thought ‘Til death do us part?’ Well, what if I wasn’t ready? I felt abandoned and could not overcome the thought that Mark was supposed to be there with me to help me take care of everything. Deep down I knew he couldn’t be there, but accepting that meant accepting the fact that he really was gone. And, I wasn’t ready for that, so the battle continued.

A few weeks after Mark died a close friend said something to me that changed my perception. She said, “Jennifer, no matter what happens in the future, you will always have lost your husband. There is nothing you can do about that. For the rest of your life it will be a part of who you are. You don’t have to ever ‘get over it.’”

I realized with those words that I didn’t have to act any certain way. I didn’t have to get rid of my grief. I didn’t have to be anything I wasn’t. I was a widow and nothing would ever change that. Not even my deepest thought that it wasn’t true. This realization gave me the long-term view I needed in order to let go of the pressure I was putting on myself to be “fixed.”

After I heard those words I began to surrender to all of my emotions, including grief. In these moments of surrender, there were glimmers of hope, love and life. For lack of a better way to explain it, angels took over and miracles began happening. Almost mysteriously, life began taking care of itself. The right person walked in the room at the right time, needed items appeared without even asking. It was as if the universe was saying, “Yes, this happened, and yes, it will all be OK. Because no matter how hard it seems, there is something right about this.”

Upon surrendering, I was able to acknowledge all of the people who appeared who wanted to help me with my kids, my home, my work — everything. And, more importantly, I learned how to let them help. I’d always thrived on handling everything on my own, but because of my new life I had to let go of that independence. It was impossible for me to handle everything Mark and I had handled together. I had to let people help me. I even had to ask for help. It was an entirely new concept. Like no other time before, I saw there were lots of people in my life who wanted to help, who even felt helpless if I didn’t let them help. So, I started to let them. In the process I became closer to them. I really felt their love and energy in my life.

After my world started to smooth out a bit from the huge turbulent waves of the first few months, I knew there was another step. I had to rely entirely on myself for one thing — taking care of me. Nobody else could do that. So, each day I began to do something for me.

I quickly realized that it didn’t have to be anything big. I could make a cup of tea and breathe in the steam for a few minutes. Or, take a short walk around the block with my dog. Or, listen to music that made me happy. Or, go to a funny movie. These little “me” moments kept my spirit afloat at times — when the alternative was to drown.

Even now, after years have gone by and times still sneak up on me and grip my heart and gut like nothing else can, I breathe and remember to surrender and feel everything I’m feeling.

Sometimes, it’s just a glimpse of something that could have been, which leads to sadness in missing Mark. But I know that the sadness is simply a reminder that I’m human, alive and can love. And that reminder is a blessing that I will always cherish. 

Jennifer Hawkins is a highly successful real estate investor. In 1988, she earned a spot as a swimmer at the Olympic Trials. She married Mark in 2001 and started her family. She lives in Austin, Texas with her sons Connor and Brannon. For more information, visit

Editor’s Note: There are many groups in Houston serving the needs of widows during all the stages of grief. Please use Google to look for local organizations.

Join Houston Woman Community
Join Our E-mail List